I rushed to back into the kitchen. I hurriedly swallowed a bottle of blood pressure pills and took a big swallow of Vodka. The police were coming and I was determined to die before they got there. I was determined not to go to jail again. My dependency on alcohol was in full blossom I could not or would not stop. Once again, I had activated the mental obsession and the body s compulsion for the drug and I didn t care to live in the black world of addiction let alone pay the price for taking the first drink.



I took the pills and alcohol, sat down on the couch, and waited for

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the police to arrive. My wife didn t give a choice. She told me she was calling for help. I walked to the door, ask her if an ambulance was coming and she said the police were on their way. I had already been to jail once and I didn t care to live anymore but God had other plans.


After taking the pills, every thing around me became blurred and I was passing out. I looked up and big ole cop was standing in the living room saying something to me. I was at peace thinking I was finally going home to heaven then I passed out. The next thing I remember

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is waking up in the emergency room in Templeton, California. I did a few double takes. I realized this wasn t heaven. Oh me, I was alive. How could this happen. I took even blood pressure to kill me or at least I thought I had. I had an IV stuck in my arm and I was alone. I knew if I was alive, the next thing to happen would be a commitment to a mental institution, and I was right. The nurse came in and told me that an intake counselor from the county would be here in a while and probably commit me. I hated it. I had
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done this before so many times. I was angry with God. I couldn t understand why I had to live. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to die and get it over with. I wanted to be free from this addiction and the misery of life.


The curtain to the room pulled back an in stepped the man from the county mental health department. Mr. Wilkerson?


Yes Sir I am Bob Wilkerson.


How are you doing, He asks.
My mind was thinking about how I could get out of this. It was churning like a roaring engine thinking of things I could say that would keep

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me out of an institution. I looked up from the bed with a smile and finally answered him, I am doing ok. Then I let the words roll. I told him about Katrina, the tree and mother dying. I told him I had been sober for a long time and I had just relapsed and I was about to take another drink. I told him I was going to be ok now. I think he believed me. After a few more questions, he told me I could go home. I did not have a home to go to but at least I was not going to a mental institution.
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They let me out, caught a tax and I order the tax driver to stop at a liquor store. From there I headed back to Cambria. My wife told me if I came back, she was going to have me arrested. I was out of my mind. I really didn t want to drink but there didn t seem any way out. I couldn t pray and I was totally out of control. I figured my wife would know I was out and on my way back to town. I had the taxi driver drop me off in a wooded area. I opened the half-gallon bottle of Vodka and took the first
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drink.


Reality was gone. I had past the point of drinking for fun many years ago. Drinking for me meant death and death was standing close by, however God was standing closer that day. I headed up a ravine towards the house and I heard a satanic voice inside saying drink the bottle. Drink the whole thing fast it said. You will surely die if you drink it all at once. I still had my cell phone. I called 911 and told them were I was and I was coming out and did not have a weapon. Then I put the bottle to my mouth and drank, as far as I know

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the entire bottle. Before I passed out, I remember thinking that I was surely going to die this time.


My eyes opened. The lights were in my eyes. Oh, no this isn t heaven this is the emergency room, again. I knew this time I didn t have a chance of getting out. I knew this time they would commit me and they did. It was a relief. It was finally over. My dependency on the bottle was over. I knew I had to turn to God and I did to the best of my ability. I was still angry and I sure hated the idea that now I was

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going to be committed and I still had criminal charges to face. However, I knew from experiences that I had to place my dependency on the Lord Jesus Christ.


From the emergency room, I was taken to a holding facility in San Louis Obispo, Ca. After a short stay, I was transferred to a treatment center in Santa Barbara, Ca. By this time, I was starting to accept life on life s terms. I didn t like the withdrawals, the mental and emotional pain but I had to move on.


Mary and I had separated and I didn t really know if our marriage would survive this storm. From Santa Barbara I was sent to

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an out patient treatment center in West Covina, Ca. By this time, I knew I had a warrant for my arrest because I didn t show up for court. I was committed to completing the treatment before I turned myself in. I knew my only hope was in Jesus. I wanted to clear up all the wreckage but first I had to clear up the wreckage I made of my spiritual life with God. The worse part of my addiction is separation from God. After a few months and a work on my part, I was beginning, to have full dependence on God. I have to say it wasn t easy. I
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knew I still had jail to face and I figured I would have to spend a lot of time behind bars because I failed to appear for trial.


Cleaning up the Wreckage


A year had past since Katrina. The house in Cambria was rebuilt. I had a started a new company which was successful. I spent my time in jail and it wasn t that bad. My health had returned and my marriage was great. Life was back on track. My daily walk with God was greater than ever before. Before the restoration occurred, I had to do my part. I had to search deep for areas of my life that were

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not pleasing to God. I had to deal with my failures, my anger, my depression, and other areas that needed attention. I also had to face the fact that life is full of trials, pain, and storms and I could do nothing about the storms, Katrina, or the tree. I had to clean up my side of street then forget the past and press on. I had to let mother go. I had to let God heal my heart and He did. I can look at the past without regret or pain. I miss mother. I hate I lost my job and home but it is ok. I know God has
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his hand on my life. I know I am a child of God. I am special in His sight. I am the apple of His eye and nothing can touch me without His permission. Life is good today. I have learned so much about who I am in Christ. I am still learning and practicing on a daily basis all God has taught me during the last few years. I believe He has given me a special story to tell of His grace and I fully intend to complete this mission